Holy Week - A Chrysalis within the Cocoon

Of all the reasons to love Holy Week I'm sure I am one of the few who would name anger, frustration and tears. Growing up to be the "good girl" there was little place for these things in my life, everything was supposed to fine, o.k., good. But the reality of life is that things aren't always fine, o.k. and certainly not good. The storm clouds will gather, there will be rain, and into each life a little rain must fall, and at times too much will fall on me.

But in the beauty of Holy Week we remember the ugly side of humanness that Jesus faced. We remember the week where he was welcomed in the back gate (back door) of Jerusalem one day and in the course of a week would face betrayal, beating, absence of friends, humiliation and ultimately death. Worse than any one week most of us can imagine. Jesus lives out the worst nightmare any could live through....Yet that doesn't minimize the pain we all experience in our own lives, no, instead it is a reminder of the ultimate empathy of a loving God. When we have felt betrayed, alone and without friends, in the bonds of physical pain or beyond the loving grasp of those who try to assist us, we can know that we are not truly alone, but are accompanied by Christ who is truly THERE with us.

Just as Jesus cried to God asking to have this bitter cup taken away from him, so can we, to ask to be freed pain is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of our human condition. We would all like a life free from pain and suffering. I feel it is to be honest and authentic during Holy Week to acknowledge the pain we have or currently are enduring in a very strong way, to open up all our human wounds and angst as a way of release. To bottle up all our feelings is deny our created being, that we are human. For much of my life in trying to be the "good girl" I would not cry, I can count on one hand the times I cried in the course of 30 years, and there was a lot of pain in that time. There were times all I wanted was sweet release, and I just couldn't eek a tear, I thought I would burst.

But just as Jesus suffered that week, we know the full story, we know that he will rise again. One of the graces of taking this time to live into our sorrow and pain is that we also live into the hope that we too are going to rise as well. Life is a cycle of ups and downs and when move with this motion we get to experience the fullness of life. What is the saying, I wouldn't know how wonderful happiness is unless I understood the depths of sorrow. The story of Easter is that the fasting will be followed by feasting, the pain followed by joy, that death will be followed by life, ultimately there is an eternal happy ending.

Last year when I entered Piegaro and my year of Sabbath I was tired, worn and broken. I left refreshed, renewed and readily awaiting the fullness of new life. Returning to Seattle has not been all joy.... but the story is not over yet. This week I cry out my frustrations knowing that eventually it will all work out in the end in the eternal bliss of life with friends met along the journey..... I celebrate the gift of release of all that drains me, the week truly is Holy.
How do you find release from your pain?
How do you find hope for tomorrow?

Did you get what you came for? Did you find what you came for?

My friend Colleen asked a simple question, “Did you get what you came for?” A lovely open ended question that asked two things, did I get my needs met, and what were my needs. It is such an American type of phrase, it reflects our constant striving for achievement, in particular marked achievement. We were speaking back in November, back when the topic of do I stay in Piegaro or do I go back to Seattle was finally settled. It was Colleen who had graciously extended the invitation to find healing here, a terrific friend who was asking such and important question in the reality that after one blissful year, I was leaving Piegaro and returning to Seattle.

The real reason I came to Piegaro was to heal and rest, it had been a tumultuous few years leading up to this point, and having hurdled over half of what psychiatrists claim to be the top-ten life stressors in a brief time, it was about time. My psychologist, spiritual guide and close friends all felt I was making a good choice and after a year and great financial expense it seems like a normal question to ask, “Did I get what I came for?” In a word, YES!

In essence what I came for was to return to the grounding of who God created me to be, to remember what is essential to me. For me Spirit matters, a light wind, breath of life; a dozen years of working inside the church institution felt heavy, an administratively statistic and business model that sucked the Spirit of life from me. The importance of embracing Spirit through letting go and letting God; trusting that this breath that flows between us all invites us to fully being with others and connecting where we are in the time and space given. Spirituality for me is much more important than any organizational structure. It informs how to live life that is about the walk not the talk.

My dear friend Maria Pia said I was a simple girl who needed that simple life. Somewhere along the way I had clouded this with career, committees and misplaced commitments. I had forgotten the essence of the simple life. To live with a SPIRIT of intention, caring for others as a way of life, not a successful career, but a successful life, the one life we have been given. Our family, friends and those we encounter on life’s journey are gifts of love. To survive as humans we need food, water, shelter and love, creatures die without care of these essentials. It all seems so simple, yet somehow it is so easy to wander away from Eden, from the garden, for years my simplicity was gone. In Piegaro with wise women like Maria and Maria Pia to invite, inspire and encourage my return to simplicity, healing came.

Just as returning to what was essential is so important so does taking all the non-essentials lightly and with humor. For me to recognize how taking so seriously things that were not important to my life, things that agitated for no life or light, to hang onto them out of misplaced obligation was a relief. To go, hey, these are non-essentials and it is just making me squirrely, a darn squirrel in a wheel… meant laughing instead of crying at life mistakes so I can move on, I am sure to many more life mistakes, but in new areas. But oh so much fun to laugh at these than to get frustrated, angry and/or cry for these things that are just not essential. It is the basis of comedy everywhere and we should be laughing at the absurdities in this world as a healthy reminder to take us back to the essentials: food, water, shelter and LOVE.

One reflection I see of God’s love for us is the beauty that surrounds us each day, and in my hurried life, it seemed to get so difficult to see this. In my life in Piegaro it was easy, I had scads of time to walk the rolling green hills, looking at the beauty of nature, experiencing the beauty of people who would care for one who didn’t even speak their language. Feeling the earth in my fingers when gardening, cooking the vegetables gifted from friends or my own garden, smelling the flowers Maria would pick on our walks, all my senses knew beauty. Time without job constraints gave me time to appreciate the generous nature of people, to experience the beauty of kindness that is everywhere and easily taken for granted. It seems so easy to take the abundance of this beautiful world for granted when there is no time to slow down to savor all that is good.

A couple of people were annoyed that my great revelations after a year of sabbatical were simply things I had spoke of or reflected upon over the years, “You could have done this in America,” but it isn’t that simple. For to come to the practice and the essence of walking the talk of one’s core values, I truly think one needs to be at a state of peace, contentment and calm. This very essence of sabbatical, and let’s face it, I was at a point of needing this time away or giving into modern medical practice and entering a psych institution for a while…. In the long run Italy was cheaper for the time spent and tons more relaxing and fun. In other words it was a bargain for the healing.

Now I admit, being back in Seattle, I am so tempted to give into the squirrels of non-essential living, to over-extend my time, to lose focus in my worry and stress over cares of the world. I am blessed with friends here who remind me to keep the faith, keep what is ever important before me, and to live into my wise mothers of Piegaro, Maria and Maria Pia: “pazzienza, pazzienza, piano, piano….patience, patience, softly and slowly, softly and slowly.” Yes dear Colleen, I got what I came for and was reminded that I am blessed with friends like you, Diana, Sue, Marty and so many others that I am blessed in this simple life, God is Good!

How do you remember what is essential for your life?
How do you take time to heal?
We are each given one life, what makes you feel like you “Get what you came for?”

Women of Strength

One of the things the women of Mary asked me to do while here in Italy was to get to know the women of Piegaro, to find out what they thought about some of the issues that touch them: poverty, family, church, and the changes in the world. I wrote one piece earlier, but as time goes by and I was speaking more Italian and become more engrained in the community, life among the village women just got better. What I discovered was that they are as diverse as our own ladies of Seattle in opinions on the topics. Like women everywhere we talk about our lives and loves often in our conversations with friends. One American male was quite suspicious the ladies of the piazza were talking about him, when in fact they were speaking of their health, recipes, their families and local gossip, we all speak of what we know.

But when specific issues arose, so often it reminded me of America, the same sentiments were felt: the young women doubt there will be retirement money in their future, the older ones are trying hard to maintain their level of income in the face of government cuts to their equivalent to Social Security. There is marked less homelessness in Italy than in America, so interesting seeing how their monthly pay average is almost half of the USA. A concern that all are respectfully cared for economically is not that folks take in too much, but simply have enough. Tied to this issue in both countries is that the average citizen has a distrust of their government and how they spend the resources.

Family is much more important than government and is much more talked about. Unlike the USA, folks don't normally live far from their relatives, even immigrants arrive with family in tow. The number of children per family is decreasing, and the number of people getting married later or not at all is increasing. One difference was that I heard more than one woman call someone who had lived with another person for more than a couple of years "married" - implying it was about more than the legal certificate. What was delightful to me was how treasured babies were, yes there are fewer than before, but all are cuddled and coo'd over; babies of villagers, immigrants, and out of wedlock, all babies are precious! O.k. a few side snide comments here or there, but always the baby was treated as a blessing. Divorce in Italy is much newer and still more frowned upon than in the USA, perhaps why many are choosing not to even marry. But all families come together with great regularity around feast tables, whether on Sundays, the great myriad of religious holidays, or even government holidays, multiple times a month the families would gather around the table. If the family was all in one house, multiple generations, or within the village, they would eat together even more often. Cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles and extended second and third cousins would gather frequently, SO IMPORTANT.

The women of Church of Mary Magdalene wanted to know about the importance of church life, here in America about 10% of the population attends church, in Italy it is higher, but not something all people do. In fact there are many there, especially in the younger generations who a cynical and skeptical about organized religion. This in a country with an official religion. Most respect the church, but that doesn't mean attend on regular basis. In the little town of 700 or so, there still were about 15 on average for daily mass, certainly the 3 services on Sunday were full, but not everyone. This didn't surprise me, even though my Mary's gals expected more, partly because the history of Piegaro and for that matter the rest of the world is than faith attendance goes up and down, like all things in our spinning world, just another cycle.

The world changes, the ladies in Seattle wanted to know as inner city dwellers what my rural Italian friends thought of the changing world. The sentiment I heard most often was that life is hard, life is difficult, and all things change. I felt that one of the primary differences, and one I really liked was that things simply ARE, people are who they are, situations are what they are, rather than rating and quantifying all things as better or worse. This seemed to give folks a lot more confidence, less inferiority complex and insecurities. In America we often struggle to "keep up with the Jones'," "climb the ladder of success," "look younger," and attempt to be MORE. It goes back to the word they use instead of "happy" which is contenti, to be satisfied. As we spoke of different issues like everyone, there were opinions, but even when voicing strong opinions, folks seemed more satisfied and confident in themselves in expression. One friend expressed an opinion that the town could save a lot of money by sponsoring less decorations for all the festivals and use that money for the poor....yes also noted how pretty they were.

Never have I been to a place where everyone respected one another fully, where all were of one mind, or where diversity of opinion didn't create some level of strife and conflict. We are all human like that. The things the ladies of Church of Mary Magdalene, the urban poor, cared about and wanted to know about were the same things that the ladies of Piegaro, rural Italians, cared about. No matter where we go on God's earth we have more in common than we have differences. It seems to me that we should focus on what is most important more and see where the Spirit is.

How do you see people as common or different?

What questions would you ask, are essential topics for you?

Hugs and Kisses

One of the things I miss most about the Italian culture is the “salute,” the greeting one gives when meeting or parting with friends. It has none of the military connotations of an English or American salute, but rather is a warm, expressive show of affection. Most have seen it in the movies or on t.v. the kiss on either cheek that requires eye contact and physical touch. Something I enjoyed from children, women and men of all ages as a greeting of friendship. SWEET! Even in joking around kissing is present, too fun!

For whatever reasons here in America, whether fears from our Puritan forbearers or our modern culture of violence (please, our t.v. commercials are a barrage of violence), we seem to shy away from displays of affection. We even have a genteel acronym “PDA” Public Display of Affection, that puts these physical actions in a place that indicates they should be at arm’s length. When back in the American culture I find myself touching people less, which startled me, for it was something I appreciated so much.

The topic of public displays of affection especially on the greeting and parting end hit home last week when a facebook friend started a discussion on the Gottman Relationship Institute’s theory of the “Six Second Kiss.” Reading the thread of comments I read a couple of “not enough time in a day to spend on kissing,” to “what would people think if they saw us kissing like that.” Now the six second kiss is specifically geared toward putting intimacy into a romantic couple’s life, this is between two people who are enamored of each other. No admittedly the person who commented about what people would say was a pastor who’s concern were people in church, but of all places, in God’s house where we are to love one another, it seems showing love for your spouse would be welcome.

What some of these comments came down to was that in our culture, reflected in these comments, we are too busy, and too concerned about other’s judgment to take time and/or show our affection. What I felt in Italy was how important the simple acts of affection are, the words my friends use even in signing notes, calling me dear, signing off with a kiss, are all so wonderfully intimate. When my dear friend Colleen was in the hospital, everyone in town not only asked about her, but sent along hugs and kisses for her.

It was a great gift of love to receive this kind of affirming touch and affection, it is my prayer and hope that I remember to show such grace to others. The appropriate displays of love for friends, for partners is a gift that warms the heart, and scientists have found improves our relationships. Last week scientists reported that the same brain centers stimulated by addictions are the centers that are stimulated by love…. How more healthy would our world be if we stimulated our beings with love instead of drugs, alcohol or other displacements? What an amazing gift this thing called love is, and how wonderful it is that when we show our love for others, when see our loved ones it not only feeds our souls, but stimulates our minds and makes our bodies feel good.

I thank God for the blessing of love from my friends in Piegaro, and pray I share that gift with others here in America.

How do you feel when others show you love?

How do you feel when touched by love, physically or emotionally?

Hugs and gentle touches are more common physical displays here in America, how can you utilize comfortable displays to convey your caring for others in your expression of love with concern for cultural norms?

Contenti / Content

Female pastors are quite rare in Italy, and more than one person asked over the course of my year in Piegaro what I did as a pastor. But the greatest honor for me came toward the end of my time there when I was speaking with a friend about the work we both did and as I hesitated over what I did outside of worship as a pastor she lighted up and said, you make people “contenti” basically content. But the interesting thing is that the word contenti is used so often where we would use the word happy, which translates to auguri. It is more common to wish for, to wish for others to be content.

I really like the idea of contentment as a goal, as ironic high point, a high point without the pressure of being at the “top”. In America we often seek a euphoric happiness, we want happily ever after, if you will. to always be joyful. But life is life, it throws us tragedy and hardship more than we like, making happiness as a goal sort of impossible. But contentment, to be satisfied, seems not only more attainable, but calm and tranquil. Which, was what I told everyone who asked me, the reason for going to sweet, dear little Piegaro in the first place. This small, quaint village offered me the gift of calm repose and tranquility. There may not have been an over-abundance of anything in this little hamlet, and perhaps that is what made it oh so content for me.

The work of contentment, is simply to do the Golden Rule, to love others. It is every person of faiths aspiration I think, but not an easy task and one we all fall short of from time to time in our daily lives. It is so much more important than a job or a title because it is something that can be applied in whatever job we choose. As I have returned to the U.S. recently it is important for me to be content that whatever job I do, even the job of looking for a job, the work of contenti is there. How to bring a peaceful, welcoming contentment to all that is done. It inspires calmness within, which is hard when we worry, race and continually challenge ourselves to be the top. The goal is different, it is relational, acknowledging the spirit that unites us all is important in all our actions.

My friend gave me a gift when she said my work was to help others be content, contenti, she reminded me what was the most important thing about the work I had been doing for the past dozen years. As I move onto different work, no longer the pastor, this knowledge inspires me to take the best of that work forward, always seeking contentment for myself and for all.

What words of others have set you free in times of change or transition?

How do you find contentment, share contentment?

What would you choose as a defining word for your work, for the job of living?

Life as an Immigrant

The last apartment I lived in during my time in Piegaro was in the “immigrant part of town” as some of the ladies called it. Seeing how the town is so small, it is hard to imagine one location with many immigrants, but there was one street with many of us, actually it was a “C” shaped area that circled part of the old prince’s palace and current hotel. I was the only American among the Romanians, Albanians and Macedonians along with a few Italians from other parts of the country.

A universal phenomenon of most immigrants is that they live in community with some family members in this new land with them, most do not travel, or move alone. There is the occasional arrival of one who married into this new community and became part of the local fabric, the local family, but most who come to a new community arrive with some family members. They arrive with their own built in support system.

When one of the local women expressed concern that I would live in this immigrant neighborhood, I found it ironic, seeing how I was obviously from another country, barely speaking the Italian of my friends and neighbors. But she was pointing to what is the situation of most immigrants, that their own country could not support the population with jobs and livelihoods, so some would have to leave in order to just survive. These were the poorest their country had to offer in some cases, those who would become the unskilled laborers, the heavy lifters and the caregivers who most often receive the lowest wage jobs. The fact that I came from an affluent country and had an advanced education separated me from these folks in her mind.

Yet it was as friendly a neighborhood as any, with my neighbors sharing and caring for me in sweet ways. The first week I lived in the neighborhood I had gone to bed at an early hour for Europeans and when the "guys" gathered outside for conversation, as their normal practice, I heard one say, "the American sleeps early, let's talk over there." When I ill in bed a couple of days, one of the ladies asked if I was o.k. because she noticed I was inside a lot. They also brought me food from their harvests and were so sweet in many ways.

My friend was correct, there were economic and cultural differences, but the lack of family for me proved an even greater difference. In the culture of Italy, and for most of the world, family is so important, companionship is important. In this small neighborhood, almost all of the folks had some extended family in town. For me arrive alone was not only unusual, but would invite some of my friends to inquire frequently about who I was going to do various things with, there was a concern that I would be alone. It had me thinking, but even more over, had me feeling a deep understanding of what was behind their sentiments.

Many of my neighbors were in Piegaro for economic reasons, or because someone in their family needed them here for support. Those who were as “alone” as I was, in particular one who has lived in Piegaro for a long time, thought about returning to be closer to family, that the benefits of living with less resources and more relationship was worth it. Much of my pondering around staying or going had to do with relationships not only with family, but with those who had a common culture and language that was expressed in banter, jokes and context that was regionally specific. It was about relationship and communication, something at the heart of priorities for my friends in Italy, something they shared as much as they could based on my limited speaking skills.

At Mary’s Place so many of the women, when telling their stories of life at Mary’s, speak to the importance of the relationship they have with the other women, the support that they give one another. They speak in terms of new family, community, a sense of place and home. Many of these women have permanent housing, and have had for years since their first encounter with Mary’s as a homeless woman. They all need, WE all need, what was very readily available in Piegaro, what is sometimes hard to find in our American mobile culture, a sense of belonging, place and relationship. The same things the immigrants looked for in coming in groups rather than coming solo.

How do you find or make community?

How do you participate in support systems of give and take, of good communication?

Where do you find grace in participating in the life of community, or in being an outsider?